Wondering if you have avoidant attachment? This assessment is based on validated attachment research (Brennan, Clark, & Shaver's Experiences in Close Relationships scale). It's not diagnostic, but it can help you recognize patterns.
Answer honestly—no one's judging. The more truthful you are, the more useful this will be.
Scoring
For each statement, choose your answer:
- Strongly Disagree = 1 point
- Disagree = 2 points
- Neutral = 3 points
- Agree = 4 points
- Strongly Agree = 5 points
Write down your points as you go. We'll tally at the end.
The Assessment (25 Questions)
Independence & Self-Reliance (Questions 1-5)
1. I prefer to be independent and not rely on others. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
2. I don't feel comfortable discussing my feelings with romantic partners. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
3. I believe I can handle most things on my own without help. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
4. When I'm upset, I prefer to deal with it alone rather than talk it through. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
5. I find it hard to ask for support, even when I need it. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
Discomfort with Closeness (Questions 6-10)
6. I feel uncomfortable when a romantic partner wants to be close to me. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
7. Physical affection from a partner can feel suffocating. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
8. I need a lot of space in relationships—constant togetherness feels draining. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
9. I find it difficult to express my feelings of love or attachment. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
10. Vulnerability in relationships makes me anxious. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
Deactivation in Conflict (Questions 11-15)
11. When my partner brings up emotional issues, I tend to shut down or go quiet. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
12. I often leave conversations about feelings or walk away during conflict. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
13. I minimize or dismiss my partner's emotions or concerns. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
14. I respond to conflict by using logic and facts rather than emotions. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
15. When a relationship gets too intense, I feel the urge to end it. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
Comfort Being Alone (Questions 16-20)
16. I'm happier being alone than in most relationships. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
17. I don't feel lonely when I'm by myself for long periods. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
18. Spending a lot of time with a partner feels exhausting. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
19. I rarely reach out to friends or partners for connection. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
20. I describe myself as "not needing anyone." 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
Relationship Patterns (Questions 21-25)
21. I tend to pull away as relationships get closer. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
22. I've ended multiple relationships when they started getting serious. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
23. I'm attracted to people but lose interest once they get too attached. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
24. After a breakup, I move on relatively quickly without much processing. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
25. I keep my guard up in relationships and rarely fully let my partner in. 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
Scoring & Interpretation
Add up all your points:
25-60 Points: Likely Secure Attachment
You may have some avoidant traits, but overall you're comfortable with both independence and closeness. You can ask for help, express feelings, and stay present in conflict. Keep doing what you're doing—your attachment style is working for you.
Note: If you scored in this range but answered a specific question with a high score, notice that pattern. Everyone has some avoidant tendencies in specific contexts.
61-85 Points: Moderate Avoidant Traits
You have noticeable avoidant patterns. You're likely:
- More comfortable alone than with others
- Difficulty with vulnerability and emotional expression
- Tendency to withdraw in conflict or pull back as closeness increases
- Valuing independence highly, sometimes at the cost of connection
This is workable. Many people with moderate avoidance are in healthy relationships—they just need partners who understand their style and have good communication frameworks.
Consider: Is your avoidance causing problems in your relationships? Are partners consistently asking for more closeness than you can give? If yes, individual reflection or therapy could help.
86-110 Points: Strong Avoidant Attachment
You have clear avoidant attachment patterns. You likely:
- Strongly prefer independence and struggle with relying on others
- Feel uncomfortable with physical affection or emotional vulnerability
- Shut down or withdraw during conflict
- Feel relief when relationships end
- Move on quickly from relationships without much processing
This pattern typically develops in response to emotional unavailability or dismissal in childhood. It's protective—it kept you safe then. But in adult relationships, it's creating distance and possibly isolation.
Consider: Therapy could help. Attachment-focused approaches (EMDR, IFS, ACT) can help you develop "earned secure attachment" and increase your capacity for vulnerability.
111-125 Points: Very Strong Avoidant Attachment
Your avoidant patterns are dominant and significantly impacting your relationships. You likely:
- Strongly resist depending on others
- Have significant difficulty with emotional expression or physical affection
- Actively avoid conflict by shutting down or leaving
- Feel significant relief when relationships end
- Struggle to maintain close connections
- Feel most comfortable when alone
This level of avoidance usually indicates early trauma or significant emotional neglect. It's not your fault—your nervous system learned this strategy to survive. But it's costing you now.
Strongly consider: Working with a trauma-informed therapist. This isn't something you can think your way out of; it requires nervous system rewiring. Therapy is worth it.
What Your Avoidance Might Look Like in Practice
If you scored 61-85:
- You can be in functional relationships, but they might feel a bit distant
- Partners might complain that you're "not emotionally available"
- You probably struggle with saying "I love you" first
- You need reassurance that alone time is okay
If you scored 86-110:
- Your relationships likely struggle with intimacy
- You might end relationships that could work, just to get space
- Partners might feel rejected or dismissed
- You probably feel misunderstood—"People think I don't care, but I do"
If you scored 111-125:
- Relationships are difficult or you avoid them entirely
- You likely feel more comfortable with tasks/projects than with people
- You might have a pattern of very brief relationships or long single stretches
- Others might describe you as "cold" or "emotionally unavailable"
Important Notes
This is not a diagnosis. Attachment styles exist on a spectrum. Many people have mixed patterns (some avoidant traits, some anxious traits). You might also be avoidant in romantic relationships but secure with friends, or vice versa.
Attachment can change. You're not stuck with this forever. People develop "earned security" through therapy, safe relationships, and intentional rewiring.
Avoidance isn't a character flaw. It's an adaptation. Your nervous system did what it needed to do to keep you safe. The goal isn't shame; it's understanding and flexibility.
Next Steps
If you scored high on avoidance:
- Understand the roots: Where did this come from? What early experience taught your nervous system that closeness was dangerous?
- Notice your triggers: When do you deactivate? Is it certain types of closeness? Conflict? Expressions of love?
- Practice small vulnerability: Start tiny. Tell a partner one thing you usually hide. Share one feeling you'd normally suppress.
- Consider therapy: Especially if your avoidance is damaging your relationships or keeping you isolated.
- Read more: Avoidant Attachment Style: Signs, Root Causes, and the Science
Key Takeaways
- Avoidant attachment exists on a spectrum. High scores don't mean you're broken; they mean your nervous system learned to protect itself by suppressing attachment needs.
- Your score reflects patterns, not destiny. You can change if you want to.
- Understanding your attachment style is the first step. Awareness precedes change.
- You're not alone. Roughly 25% of adults have avoidant attachment patterns.
FAQ
I scored high. Does this mean I can't have a healthy relationship? Not at all. You can have a healthy relationship—you might just need a more understanding partner and possibly therapy to build capacity for closeness.
If I scored avoidant, does my partner need to be secure? Ideally, yes. A secure partner can offer stability and safety. But avoidant-anxious couples can work if both people understand the dynamic and actively work on it.
Can I take this for my ex to "understand" them? This is for you, not to diagnose or shame others. Don't use this to excuse poor behavior from a partner. Use it to understand yourself.
I scored high but I don't feel avoidant. Am I wrong? You might be a high-functioning avoidant—you adapt well in many settings but struggle in intimate relationships. Or you might be defensive about the label (which is common). Sit with the results for a bit.
What if my score changed depending on my mood? That's normal. Stress, relationship status, and recent breakups all affect answers. If you want a reliable baseline, take it when you're relatively calm and reflective.
Related Reading
- Avoidant Attachment Style: Signs, Root Causes, and the Science
- Dismissive Avoidant vs Fearful Avoidant: Key Differences
- Understanding the Deactivation Strategy of Avoidant Exes
- Why Avoidants Come Back (and Why You Shouldn't Wait)
- The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Why These Types Attract
Take this assessment not as judgment, but as information. Understanding your attachment style is the first step to changing it.